The Black Widow

Watermelon Lump

2006-01-15T23:57:00.000-08:00

Maybe its a coincidence, maybe not. On Saturday January 21, 2006 it will be exactly 8 months that I left my husband. Saturday January 21, 2006 I have an appointment to fill out divorce papers. As I write the word divorce, a lump the size of a large watermelon forms in my throat. It's so over... so final. So many people told me not to marry Ray. No one had faith that he would be a good husband. Not one person said it was a good idea. But of course I married him anyway. Only for him to prove everyone else right. When I first met him he was totally sweet and caring. After a while he just became an ass. Why I married him I have no idea. I found out I was pregnant with Marcello just two weeks before he left to Iraq for 6 months. I went through the whole first 6 months alone, other than Francesca. She was the one that cared about everything. He never asked how I felt, like he didn't care about the baby I was carrying... or for me. I will never forget how much it hurt when he came home from Iraq. After being gone for 6 months with only a few phone calls here and there and maybe one email a week, you would think you would hug your wife who is 7 months pregnant or at least say hi. He asked me where I parked. Other guys had flowers they had bought the night before at one of the stops... Other boyfriends and husbands hugged the wives or girlfriends and seemed like they never wanted to let go. And then there is me... 7 months pregnant and all my husband says is "Where'd you park?" and hands me his oversized jacket to carry, as Francesca talks her head off as she follows him. Francesca and I were so excited for him to come home that neither one of us could sleep that night. But when I saw him and it seemed as though he forgot who I was that feeling fell to the floor. I cant forget that feeling... it's the same feeling I have now.
So many people ask me if I love him. He's my husband. Is it possible to just stop loving someone you planned on spending the rest of your life with? Cause if it is, can someone please let me in on it? I'm not getting divorced because I want to, I'm getting divorced because I know the marriage wont work. Ray has never said he wants to get divorced but he's never said he wants to stay married. He says he wants to move over here and work things out but in my heart I know he's full of shit. I think I am more in love with the husband he was suppose to be rather than the husband he was.
It's very late so I will continue this tomorrow...

Woo hoo for me!!!!!

2006-01-02T00:07:00.000-08:00

First I want to say that I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year!
I myself could not have gotten better news today! My last two classes ended on Christmas day. I wasn't too worried about my english class but my Critical Thinking class was a WHOLE other story. I was terrified that I was going to have to take the class over. I HONESTLY thought I would get maybe a C. I was so mad at myself because it was so hard for me to understand. If I got a C it would ruin my 4.0 GPA that I so desperatly want to keep. Today I got a response from my CT instructor and guess what... I got an A!! I could have peed my pants I was so excited! I literally grabbed my son and started dancing. I kept singing that little song from the Little Rascals movie... "I got a dollar, I got a dollar, hey hey hey hey... I got a dollar" but I was singing "I got an A, I got an A hey hey hey hey... I got an A" Then shortly after I got the email from my english instructor and I got an A in that class too!! I can tell you how happy I am about it! I sure pray that this is how the rest of 2006 will be!! Ahhhhhh!!! I am so happy for me!! 4.0 GPA something I never had before!! Especially after 12 college units! LOL
I think that is the only undate I have right now but I just had to share my excitement! A single mom raising two kids practically alone, working full time and going to school full time getting straight A's... who'd a thunk it'd be me?? ::Happy Dance::
Oh and we are going to Disneyland on Friday for Francesca's birthday. I can't wait! I LOVE Disneyland!! But damn my little girl is going to be 6 on Sunday!! Holy crap am I old or what??? Life only gets better here!!! Warp speed ahead!!!!
::happy dance::

Warp speed ahead please....

2005-12-20T19:51:00.000-08:00

Woo hoo! Mom is home and doing great! I talked to her yesterday and she said she doing really good except she looks like a train ran her over! She has lots of incisions but honestly she can look like scarface from head to toe and it wouldnt matter to me! She is alive and doing great! That's all that matters to me!
Christmas is less than a week away. I have no decorations no tree nothing. I bought each kid a couple things (family gave me money to buy them gifts) so at least they will have something to open. We are spending Christmas and Hristmas Eve at my mom's cousins house so we don't have to be alone. I have to say I am soooo depressed this year. Its my first Christmas without that ass hole of a husband and man it sucks. I think what sucks is that I think of what COULD have been. Not how it was but how it could have been. I hate to think about it but it just proves that the kids and I never meant anything to him. His family hates me and well the kids too... not so much Marcello but I know they dont care much of Francesca. I get so angry when I think of them. And how they treat me and my daughter like shit. They treat the crakhead brat (Ray's first daughter, Hannah) like gold though. They adore Marcello but thats cause hes the first grandson. Like when Francesca alls at night to talk to her dad and hes not there, so you think they ask her how she is or say they miss her or love her? hell no. They say 'hes at the store, call his cell phone'. Thats it. Nothing more. Its fucking sad when my daughter has to say 'i love you' to these people just cause she wants to hear it back. I hope they all rot in hell, every single one of them. Burn fuckers burn. I TRY not to say too much in front of my kids but I hope to God that they grow up and see that they are assholes. I can't wait for the day I hear my daughter tell them to all fuck off.
Well, this set of classes is almost over and I can NOT wait! I HATE my classes right now. And I mean HATE. I am slowly but surely working my way to a better life though. Thats what matters to me. Since its obvious no one is gonna take care of me I have to know that I can take care of my self... and that's exactly what I am going to do...

Money can't buy happiness? Your full of shit...

2005-12-12T00:07:00.000-08:00

Wow... a month already huh? Over a month. Well, not too much has changed this past month. That I can think of anyway. Christmas is quickly approaching and I can't afford it. My kids won't get the Christmas they deserve because some stripper and beer loving fuck head won't pay child support cause that other shit is more important. It's two weeks before Christmas and my house doesn't have one God damned Christmas thing up. Not one. I hate Christmas this year. I hate it more than ever. I have bought my kids one gift each. That's it. Thanks to an awesome friend of mine that is a freaking angel my kids will ahve more than one gift each. Of course my family will buy them stuff but it's not the same. I have so little money this year I was considering getting used toys for them. That's just pathetic. I know that the holidys arent about getting toys and lots of them. try telling a 5 yera old that when thats all they hear in school. I dont want my child to feel that she was bad this year because all she got was one or two things from Santa. I do teach her what Christmas is really about but at 5 years old you don't care.
No the world doesn't revolve around money... well actually it does... but whatever. Who ever said money cant buy happiness was fucking full of shit. Overflowing with shit. where would any of us be without it? Who gives a fuck who loves you when your eating from garbage cans. Who gives a fuck how smart you are when your at the shelter because you were 100 bucks too short on your rent payment. No one. Thats right. If I had money I could afford to pay my gas bill so maybe I would turn the heater on when it's 32 degrees outside. If I had money I might be able to have more than two pairs of pants to wear to work. Maybe if I had money I could take my kids to go see that Christmas light show down the street. If I had money I could buy my daughter the Barbie and Magical Pegasus that she so desperately wants. But instead Ill put the kids in bed with me so we can stay warm, I will wear the two pairs of pants I have and hope they dont rip, I will show them the lights on the houses on the way home from work, and I will buy Christmas gifts at the 99 cent store.
Money wont buy happiness huh? Right. The lies people tell to try to make someone feel better. Don't fucking lie to me... I hate liars. I hate assholes. I'm begining to hate life. I am so proud of myself that I got out of an abusive relationhip. I started school, got a great job and have awesome kids. I couldnt be more proud of that. But... I hate my life. I have nothing. I have a roof over my head for now. I have some food, not much though. I don't have gas to get to work tomorrow morning. I have 4 dollars in my bank account. I dont get paid till friday. And when I do I have to save 75% of ti to pay rent so I dont end up in a shelter.
All I do have are my hopes and dreams. I can't let them go. The saying "Never take away a person's hope - it may be all they have" is very true. I think my kids and my hopes and dreams are the only things I have that keep me going. Although, like I told my friend the other day. I think I'm scared of scomething good happening. I am so used to things going wrong that it will fuck up my cycle. It will throw me off.
Then as though my life isn't bad enough. I found out Monday that my mom, who remind you is 45 years old, has to have triple bypass surgery. TRIPLE. What the fuck is up with that? All I do is pray that everything will be ok. I can't lose her. If I lose her I swear I will give up. She is the one that has given me the strength to do everything I've done. I can't do it without her. I know the surgery will go fine but fuck she's way too young for this shit. God had better not take her from me before I'm like 80 years old. If he does I am not sure I will believe in much. Especially myself. Anyways, if you can pray for her. I know she will be ok. She's awesome... You can read all about her and her heart attack in the July 2nd post.
I guess that's my update. I told you nothing new has happened, I did have the kids pictures taken and OMG are they cute! Here's one just in case you wanna see them ;) They are what I live for...

2005-10-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday was my last day in my first two classes. I was so nervous about my final essays and tests. I was nervous I'd finish the class with a C grade or maybe a B. I was getting an A in both classes before finals but for some reason I thought that I would do horrible with my finals. I turned in my two essays and quizes. I waitied for a response on both of them. The days went so slow and I would get even more nervous when I check my newsgroups and I didnt see a response. Well, I have finally gotten a response from both teachers! :) I am so excited!

My teacher for my Persuasive Writing class gave me an A :) On my final essay I got 300/300 and she wrote that it was EXCELLENT. I didn't even get one point taken off for anything! You have no idea how excited that makes me! Then in that same class we had a grammar test. Ok I SUCK at grammar when writing. So I was REALLY nervous. Well, I got a 47.5 out of 50! She wrote that mine was the best in the class! SO I am pretty happy about that!

My other class was Skills for Learning in an Information Age. I liked the class but was still nervous about the "Survival Guide" I had to write. Well, I got 250 out of 250! WOo hoo for me!! I am so happy!

So right now I have a 4.0 in school! Have I ever had a 4.0? Ummm maybe in like 1st grade! You knwo I have been doubting myself that I can do this. I am a single mom, I work full time and Im living on my own. I knew that other women had done it but I really wasn't sure that I could. Now I know I can and honestly it makes me feels so good!

Kinda off topic but Ray AGAIN spent a couple hundred dollars at a strip club instead of paying me child support. So in reality I am not getting ANY help from him. He doesn't see the kids, doesn't buy them things they need or send money so I can get the things they need. Well, yesterday I told him that until he is going to act like a father he will not have anythign to do with us. Tough shit. No one is forcing him to pay me so no one can force me to let him talk to them. Fuck it. Take me to court. I will win as soon as they look at his past records and everything... Anyway, he called last night to see if I was serious and I said you better bet your life I am! He said that he knows he fucked p this and that, like he always says. I said you knwo what I am doing better now than I ever did when I was with you. You can go on living your fucked up life but we are not going to be in it. You are NOT going to fuck with my kids or my life anymore. I put up with it for WAY too long. I am so proud of myself and everything I have done since I've left you I have NO reason to go back. And then I hung up. I am not putting up with his shit anymore.

Since I have left him I found a job I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I got my own place. I started school. I have been so happy for the most part LOL I do have days where I am so sick of everythign but then I go to sleep and it's all better. :) Yes the kids drive me INSANE but hey thats what makes it fun :)

So now my two new classes started last Monday and so far so good! I was nervous thinking that they will get harder, which the have, but its been ok. I have an essay due tomorrow though! An essay in the first week! Yikes! But I will be ok. It will get done!

I just wanted to share with everyone that I am doing everything I have ever wanted to do! And I am doing it all on my own! YAY for me! :)

Don't belive everything you see...

2005-10-12T22:17:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me if I'm ok. I don't want anyone to ask me if I'm ok. Cause if you do you're more than likely gonna get an honest answer. I probably won't say anything but the tears that quickly fill my eyes will be answer enough. From the outside I'm fine. From the outside you would never know that inside my world is falling apart.

I'm 26 years old, been married for three years and three months, have two beautiful kids, have a job I love and live in Vegas. What more could I ask for? Hmmm... how about a husband? Oh yea, I forgot I have one. He had my heart, ripped out, stomped on it and then spit on it all while laughing.

The last few months I think Ive been in denial. In denial that my marriage was failing. Yes I had left but in my mind we were just taking a break. Of course he was going to change. Of course he was going to come live with us, where ever we were.

There were days that he said he would move with us no matter what. Just give him time to get this in order. Then there were days that he told me to leave him alone and that he never wanted to talk to me again. Then he'd talk to me like he never said that. I never knew what to believe. Do I believe the monster he had become or do I believe the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with?

The days he tells me he misses me and the kids are days that give me hope. Even though now I know they are only words and nothing will be done it still gives me the hope that my children will one day have a normal life with both parents. But the days he tells me to go to hell and never call again give me strength. It gives me strength because I know I am doing this on my own. I can do it. I will be ok.

Do I miss him? More than you can imagine. Do I love him? If I didnt I wouldnt care. Am I sad? I am losing the person I planned on growing old with, of course I am. Am I scared? Of growing old alone, yes. Am I strong enough to get through this? Hell yeah!

When Ray and I were married and living together there were things he would do that would drive me insane. Like how at night he tossed and turned for at least 30 minutes before he got comfortable enough to fall asleep. Or the way he bit his nails and made them make a nasty popping sound. Or the face he made when he was imitating me. Its all of those things I miss. I used to get so mad at night when he moved around that one of us would end up on the couch downstairs. He asked me the other day "If I were living with you there would I still be sleeping on the couch?" I said "I'd rather have you moving around in bed with me than be in the bed alone like I am now".

So, yea, dont ask me if Im ok. If I look ok then leave it at that. Cause on the inside Im falling apart. Completely and totally... falling apart. Yea when everyone is asleep, I cry, for hours sometimes. There have been plenty of nights that Ive cried for so long that by the time I fall asleep there arent any tears to cry. Yes, I know I need to snap out of it. Well, I've been trying for 5 months and it just hasnt worked.

Ray, the other day you said you missed us... well, when you start to miss us, remember, you're the one who let us go...

A life? Who has time for one of those??

2005-09-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

I can not believe that I am finishing up the 5th week of school. It has flown by. I am so tired and so stressed that it's ridiculous but I love it. I'm taking an English/Grammar class and an Information Technology class. They have GOT to be the MOST boring thing EVER. But I guess I gotta do what I gotta do!! :)

As for work I still LOVE it. I am having so much fun and learning so many things about working with children. I can honestly say I think this is one thing that I will be doing for the rest of my life. Working with kids is great, granted the class I work in has quite a few trouble makers. One is having MAJOR family issues, one is hyperactive but the parents refuse to do anything about it, on is just a PAIN in the ass no matter what is going on and the other is a follower so he does what all the bad kids are doing. It makes the day really long but the other kids are great so the day is fun.

I leave my house at around 7 am and get to work at 8, then I work till 5 get home around 615 - 630, then make dinner, give baths and get the kids in bed. Then at around 10 (the kids are still usually awake in the dark in their room) I start homework that has to be in by midnight. I go to sleep at midnight and then wake up at 545 once again the next day. I have no idea what its like to have a break. No idea what it is like to have 5 minutes to just relax. When I am not doing homework, dinner or baths I am chasing the kids trying to get them to help me clean the MASSIVE mess they made while I was making dinner or I’m doing laundry or cleaning. I would do anything to send my kids somewhere for 2 hours so I can take a nap. Oh and weekends? Those are GREAT! I sleep in till about 8 and then get up do laundry, clean house, and run errands. I go grocery shopping and to Target or Wal-Mart mostly. I can not spend longer than 20 minutes in a store at any given time without both kids going crazy that a) they want something and I say no so it sends them into a HUGE temper tantrum or b) they run around like wild hyenas and I get the dirtiest looks in the world. Ok I am a single mom of two VERY VERY VERY active kids. They do not have a babysitter and they do not go to a daycare where I can leave them there a little while longer so I can do these things. I am forced to take them with me. So I either leave Marcello (who’s 2) in the cart screaming at the top of lungs and making this strange noise with his throat so it sounds like I’m choking him or I let him run wild. Ummmm since I have NO patience with the screaming I let him run wild. Yes he goes in the racks and hides and yes he pulls things down but you know what? He’s a kid. Get the fuck over it. Next time you are in the store and see kids running all over don’t get mad. Think of how the mother feels. Well ok some moms don’t care that their kids run all over but some moms like myself are sooooo tired its easier on our sanity to let them have a little fun. Believe me it wont kill you if a kid is running down the isle.

With all that said I think I need to learn to have a little more patience too. My kids are driving me insane as we speak. Francesca is a whiner, like the QUEEN of whining and I HATE whiners... and Marcello, well he’s 2. That should explain everything. Its his way RIGHT now or the screaming way. And no they don’t get their way all the time... only sometimes. I can not have two spoiled kids. But I cant have two unhappy kids either. So all in all I am doing what I can for myself and my two kids. I know some people think oh well and that’s fine... but honestly I am so proud of myself for doing everything I am... I'm happy and my kids are happy and that is ALL that matters to me....

One day at a time...

2005-09-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

Ok I havent written in forever because I have been SOOOO busy! I got my OWN place!! I am so excited it's not even funny. I have been working my 40 hours a week, doing my school work, taking care of the kids and trying to stay sane!

Work is a lot of fun. There are a few kids that REALLY test my patience but other than that I love it. Marcello still freaks out every time he sees me but hes getting better. Francesca is doing great in her Kindergarten class. Shes learning more and more everyday and I am SOOO proud of her. The work day is sooo long... I get up at 6 get to work at 8 leave school at 5 and get home at 6... unless I have shopping or errands... then Im home by 7 or 8. LONG days...

I am hoping Ray will be coming out this weekend to bring all my stuff like the mattress' and the couches and stuff. As of right now we have NOTHING to sit on but the floor LOL and well, its getting pretty darn uncomfortable! So I hope to God that he can come to bring all my stuff!

Other than that I think everythign else is pretty uneventul... Im just taking it one day at a time... thats all I can do for now...

Jaw dropping news! Sooo excited!

2005-08-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

OK well since I havent posted in FOREVER I thought I should... There is sooo much going on right now that I can NOT take the time to actually write about all of it!

First the most major thing is that I moved to Las Vegas!! I just didnt like Oregon too much after everythign and my friend lives here in Vegas and she said come out here and stay with us for a bit. So well here I am!! I got here on Sunday evening and well I really like it here! I went today to apply for jobs as a Teachers Assistant and well I got two out the three on the spot!! I am going to be working as a Teacher in a 4year old classroom. I will have free daycare for the kids (including Francesca's free private Kindergarten!!) I will work from 8 to 5 Monday through Friday and I will get a week vacation and sick leave. I will have an assistant in the class with me and I will be in control of the curriculum for the most part. The school has one set but I can modify it.

I am so excited about it that I can hardly believe it! I really am glad that I made the desicion to move out here.

I also started school on Monday. I am going to university of Phoenix. Its all online courses and I really like it. I think it takes some getting use to but I will really like it once I understand everything!

Anyways, there isnt MUCH more but thats pretty much everything. I am sooo excited about my new job and everything. The money isnt great but it will be enough to try to get out on our own. I am just soooo excited to be working in the field I want to get into it!! Go me! Go me! Its almost my birthday!! Go me!! LMAO

Yea well....

2005-08-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

Because of some irreversible events I would rather not discuss I will not be updating the previous post. Just know that Ray got home ok :)

Woo hoo!! It is officially my birthday month!! Let the spoiling begin! Go me! Go me! I can NOT believe that I am going to be 26 years old! HOLY COW! Where the hell does time go??? And my son will be two on my birthday! Ahhhh!! And Francesca starts kindergarten in a month! Its a conspiracy I tell ya! They are growing up way too fast!

I think about them all the time and how fast they are growing and changing. I love them to pieces and I and I can not wait to see the people they become. Is amazing that they are a part of me. I created them (yes I DID do it alone!) LOL They are so different yet so the same. I have always said I wanted more kids. I always wanted 6. But God has blessed me with two beautifully perfect children, one boy and one girl. Why would I be so selfish and have more? I have every thing I need in them. I think having more would only take valuable time from them. I am in NO way saying that people shouldn't have more cause sheesh if you have the time and energy then have 50!! More power to ya! I just don't think I do! LOL

Anyways, I enrolled in school today. Its an online school. I figure if I am going to be on my own raising two children I need to support myself and not depend on anyone else. So I am going to be taking some online classes. I am so excited! I'm supposed to start on August 22 if I can get everything done on time! Woo hoo!

Ok I think that's it for now. I spent the last few hours updating my other site and now I am tired :) Off to bed....

Well hes here....

2005-07-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

Thursday night was a huge disaster. He missed two flights and ended up getting to Portland close to midnight. Sorry but I am NOT driving 3 hours home at midnight. So we got a hotel room. The kids and I got the room and then waited until his flight came and then we picked him up. Things were good. He wasnt an ass and I wasnt a bitch. Francesca was sooo excited to see him! And when Marcello saw him he screamed at the top of his lungs "Dada!" and ran to him. He has been glued to him ever since. Its so cute to see how happy the kids are with him.

We left Portland at about 11 in the morning and well, I got lost and took the wrong freeway Ha... Leave it to me right? Well, I am actually glad I did go the wrong way cause we ran into a beautiful waterfall! I was in awe when I saw it as I have never seen one. We went up to it and I took a ton of pictures. It was really pretty. The rest of the drive was ok and there wasnt any argueing...

When we got to the house the ass started showing himself. He thinks he has to act stupid so everyone will like him. Really immature and has to *try* to be funny because he knows they wont like him if he shows the real him.

Well, today had to be the worst. He left with the kids to see what itme some movies started. Well, being the nosey and un-trusting (if that isnt a real word... it is now) wife I am I looked at his cell phone. I checked all the contacts and the calls made and recieved. Well, when he came home I asked who Sarah was, since he called her right before he was to leave and had her on speed dial. He said a friend of a friend. I know who Sarah is. She some girl he used to fuck, before we got married. Well, now my question is... did he call her after I left for *whatever* reason or had he been talking to her the whole time we were married? Well, he FREAKED out and said I was stupid and that I should just shut the fuck up and was really mean. I said why are you mad? Because I caught you? He then said I had no right to be looking in his phone and its none of my business what he does. Well, to me it is my business and I do have every right. We are STILL married. He doesnt wear a wedding ring so no one knows this really... He never has worn one. So um yes I do have that right. So he was pissed ALL day because I looked in his phone.

Big baby... Thats all I can say. If I hadnt been lied to so many times and screwed over by him then maybe I would trust him and maybe I wouldnt have looked in his phone. He asked me I would get mad if he looked in my phone... I said go right on ahead I wouldnt get mad at all cause Im not hiding anything. I never have. Ive never lied to him. Not about anything serious anyway... Hahaha

Ok hes back I will continue when I can :)

sheesh I adore my kids....

2005-07-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

I am so glad my aunt and uncle decided to get a pool. It has been in the high 90's here lately and that is WAY too hot for me! Yeasterday and today I spent a good portion of the time in the pool. And man am I sunburnt! Francesca and Marcello are doing great in there too. Marcello is stil a little hesitant but after a few minutes he loves it. As for Francesca, shes a natural born FISH. That girl is awesome. She is starting to swim all by herself. She refuses to wear any of her floaties that I bought her. You know the paranoid mom that buys the kids every floating device imaginable and then makes them wear all at the same time? Yea thats me! Well Francesca wont wear anything anymore. Thank God she can reach the bottom!

Everything else is ok too... I guess. I applied for a "nanny" position at a place here that does all the screening and stuff. The money isnt bad either. I just think it sucks that I would have to leave my kids with a stranger so I can watch someone elses kids. Granted Francesca will be in Kindergarden starting September but its only half days. I really feel uncomfortable leaving my children with other people. Some one said so you want people to trust you to watch their children but you dont trust others? Damn straight. I trust myself. I know that I would NEVER harm a child in any way, shape or form. I dont know that about ANYONE else. I would totally understand if someone said that they wouldnt trust me with their children. I dont trust people. Have you watched the news lately? HEL-fucking-O! So yea thats exactly what Im saying... I dont trust anyone with my kids except my family... my CLOSE family. Period.

Today I spent most of the day with my cousins. Something I hadnt really done since I got here. They are so funny and make me laugh so much. My kids love being around my cousins so much. Before I moved here I was worried about how my 17, 15, 12 and 11 year old cousins would feel about having two little ones in the house. BUt they are so good with them! My cousin Jennifer takes Marcello swimming all the time. Kevin will help me tuck Francesca in bed sometimes. It is so neat to see them be so great with the kids. I can not tell how thankful I am to have such a wonderful and uncle that would allow me and my children to stay in their home. Especially just out of the blue!

Today Francesca told me something that almost made me cry. She always asks all silly if she can have "mommie hugs". That means just me and her hugging without interuptions (aka - Marcello) LOL She was on my lap and we were arguing over who loves who more... I told her I love more than she can ever imagine... She was quiet for a while and said "Mommie, I love you and I am so happy you gave me this life" I am not sure she knew what she was really saying but I just squeezed her sooo tight. To hear my 5 year old daughter tell me that after I have moved her around from home to home and took her away from her dad and all that, it means sooo much to know she is still happy. Sheesh that makes me so happy inside... My baby girl is growing up WAY too fast... I just realized she starts Kindergarden in just a month and a half!! Aww man.. shes growing up!!! :(

And Marcello sheesh... today I realized he understands EVERYTHING I saw. I mean EVERYTHING. Hes just so funny. After getting out of the pool I told him lets go take a warm bath. Then I stopped in the kitchen to get a drink and throw some stuff away. I was there for at least 5 minutes. Well, I was looking around for him and didnt see him. So I went upstairs to my room to get him and he wasnt there... I hear the water on in the bathroom. I go in and he is naked in the bath tub with the plug in and the water on. Hello Mr. Marcello. You are 2 not 10. Francesca still wont get herself in the bathtub! His vocabulary has grown sooo much in the past two months that we have been here. He says so much now. He says everyones name... Aunt Margie is Ma and Uncle Larry is rarry LMAO He says basketball, ice, pizza, hot dog, kitty, Eyeore (my cousins rabbit), nose, eye, ear, baby, cup, more, please, jay jay (my cousin Jennifer), Eh-Me (Jeremy, my other cousin), byebye, spongebob, care bears, elmo, blue, cheese... the list goes on forever. Of course he doesnt say very many of them perfect but I am so happy he can say them to where I can understand them! LOL I finally bought him a little potty too. He has been taking his diaper off ALL the time so I thought of getting him a potty. I never thought he would actually use it! Well like 10 minutes after I opened it he straddled it and peed... in the little cup thing... I was in shock! I just got it out so he could get familiar with it and he actually peed in it!! Today he was naked after the bath and he ran to it, farted and then started to poop. He wouldnt sit on the toilet to poop so I had to get a diaper on REAL quick. But I figure at least he knows what its for!! Woo hoo!! Maybe he will be potty trained before Francesca was! She was 3!!! LOL

I have to say I have two of the most beautiful kids! LOL I LOVE them more than I ever thought I could love anything... Its weird. I just want to gobble them up and keep them with me forever...

Other than all that there is no news LOL I am in a whatever mood... looking for work... which I hate. I did win 10 bucks on a scrath off lottery ticket though!! LOL I think I will buy MYSELF something with it! LMAO And wow... Ray comes in less than 2 days... Eekk.

One last thing... Mom, I know you read this every day or at least try to... I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart... and miss you sooo much! XOXOXOXO love, your baby girl

stupid girl....

2005-07-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

As the day draw nearer I am regreting it more and more. Ray is to arrive in Portland on Thursday evening. I am tempted to leave him there. Portland is at least 2 hours away from here. With him never coming here there is no way he will find me.

I have no idea why I allow sucha monster to stay in my life. He has hurt me more than anyone I have ever known and I still allow him in my life. Just so he can rip out my heart, stomp on it and then spit on it all while laughing... or so it seems. There are days when he says hes sorry and that he needs me but there are still days that he is so mean to me I hate that I even know him.

He told me that yea hes one to two AA meetings but hes still drinking as much as he did before. I dont want this creature in my life. Why do I do this to myself?? I get so angry at him but in reality I should only get mad at myself for allowing it.

I know this is supposed to be a long "journey" of tourterous hell but come one now... I dont htink I need to stay here. I dont want this life for my children and I. I have no place to call home. I have no real job to provide for my half of this family. I have no education outside of high school and the fucked up school of life. Where am I gonna go that will make enough money to support us?

So many people say "money isnt everything" or "money cant buy you happiness"... Hello? You better bet your life it is and it does! I am not saying my life would be 100% better if I had all the money in the world but damn it sure as hell would be nice! I coudl buy a home, a divorce, a new car, a divorce, toys for the kids, a divorce... toys for me (a divorce) oh and did I mention I could pay for my divorce? Hahahaha...

Damn I am so not in the mood to write all this crap... I feel like I am always repeating myself so fuck it... You get the point... stupid girl puts up with and just complains about asshole husband but doesnt leave...

A Step Forward...

2005-07-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

Ok well I have to say that the days following Sunday have been much better than Sunday itself! Nothing major has happened but tonight Ray went to an AA meeting. The first onehe has gone to, ever.

Ray has an airline ticket to come up here a week from tomorrow, the 21st. He is flying into the Portland ariport, which is about 3 hours from here. I told him that if he didnt do something for his "problem" byt the time he comes up here then he will find his ass in Portland for 5 days cause I will NOT bring him back here with me. ANd you had better bet your life I mean it. Well Monday was his last day off (other than this coming Sunday) that he has off of work. So he took monday and called places to see what he could do. Talk about waiting till the last minute. He said there are a lot of rehabs but he would have to stay there for 28+ days and he cant do that because of work. And the others were thousands of dollars. So I told him to call AA and see wat they can help him with.

Well, he went. He called me after and sounded so good. He says hes really glad he finally took that first step. They gave him all kinds of resources and the best part - its FREE!! He can go every night if he wants. They also gave him resources to other stuff that will help him out.

I can only pray that he follows through with this. It is crazy how nice hes been (other than Sunday). I am sooo happy that he made that first step. I know it is going to be a LONG road but I am silling to help him through it if he is willing to help himself... So, please keep us in your prayers that we can work through all these problems... I really hope we can...

what a day...

2005-07-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

July 10... Our anniversary...how pathetic that we couldnt even make it to 3 years. I talked to Ray today and he didnt mention it at all. I finally said "You know today is our anniversary right?" He said "Yea" and that was it. I was like wow... ok.

My aunt, 4 of my cousins, my kids and I all went to this place that had bowling, go karts, golf, games and all that stuff today. Francesca got 800+ tickets so she got a purple carebear... The one I wont spend 10 dollars on cause it costs too much, but also the same one I spent 32 bucks on to get tickets to get the darn thing... What the heck is wrong with me? LOL At least she had fun. She rose the go karts with my aunt and had a blast! Shes sooo like me! The faster the better! Shes totally my girl. Marcello wasnt too happy that he couldnt go though. He loves stuff like that too. I cant wait till they are older and appreciate this kinda stuff...

On that note I am so sick of beingnice. Why is it that I try to be the best and nicest person I can and still get slapped in the face. I did everything I could to keep my husband happy. I cleaned, cooked, took care of the kids, let him spend hundreds on fantasy sports, let him watch what he wanted on TV, if he said to do it I usually did. I wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to have a happy family. I NEVER asked much from Ray. NEVER. I was so unselfish its pathetic. I sat there for months while he was gone to military school... fucking around with God knows who... while he lost two wedding rings. I sat there again for months, pregnant this time, for 6 months while he was in Iraq... I sat there while he looked me straight in the face and lied to me. I sat there when he told me that his family comes first. I sat there when he told me that the car was his and the money was his cause he was the only one working. I sat there as he told me I had to clean up after his family because we were living in his parents house. I sat through so much shit its discusting.

Ray has no idea how much he has hurt me. The right hooks hes thrown are nothing compared to the emotional pain he has caused. When I think about what I have done for him and how he has treated me in return it physically makes my heart hurt and makes my stomach get all knotted up. My mom has always told me to never judge until youve heard both sides of the story... I know my side. So I asked him what I have ever done to deserve any of this. He said nothing. So basically I get all of this for loving him and trying to be the best wife I could be.

I dont think Ray has ever really loved anyone. I dont think he has ever loved someone enough to be hurt by them. I know that I have been hurt by more people than I can count. And why? For being nice? For caring about them? Apparently so.

I am sooo not the type to say "poor me" but for God's sake... maybe I should start being a total bitch, then maybe people wont slap me in the face. I dont knwo what to do anymore. I dont want to be a bitch cause really thats not who I am. But I am so sick of being nice and being screwed over...

I must say I do live with this wall around my heart. Its not an easy wall to break through either. Somehow, and as God as my witness I have no idea how, Ray got through that wall. Now I wish he would find his way out of it... I said so many times I dont love him anymore. Im not sure if thats true. Or maybe its that I want him to love me. Because I know he doesnt, I say I dont love him. I have no idea. I just wanna give up on the whole thing.

I never admit it but Im so incredibly scared. Of everything. Im afraid of not waking up in the morning, of losing my children to the heaven above, of living my life alone. Im afraid my parents wont know how much I truely love and adore them. Im afraid of forgetting what it feels like to fall in love. Im afraid to see my children get hurt. Im afraid my children will hurt others. Im afraid of my children getting sick, really sick. Im afraid of not having any more children. Im afraid my marriage wont work, and Im afraid that it will.

I just want everything to stop. Right now. I want to start over. I dont want to know what it feels like to be loved or to love. I dont want to understand what they mean when they say your life changes after kids. I dont want an anniversary. I dont want a birthday. I dont want to live here or anywhere for that matter. I dont want the car I drive, I dont want the life I live. I dont want to be alone. I dont want the heart full of pain. I dont want the mind thats full of hatred.

OK well I am hoping this is just a July 10th thing. I would hate to feel like this every day... I must stop as I am starting to feel a little psycho... As full as I am of disgust and hatred I wish this feeling on no living creature... Its torture to your heart...

Jubilee's mug shot :)

2005-07-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

No news today but I did want to post a picture of the new kitty! She is just the sweetest thing! She loves to sleep with Francesca in her bed LOL Here is Jubilee! Shes only six weeks old and you can see how tiny she is! She is on a standard size pillow LOL

I just HAD to!

2005-07-05T00:49:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July everyone! Ok so I am a few hours late... Im a mom of two I am allowed to be late! I had a great day today. I played all day with the kids, hung out with the family and well... got a new addition to the family. She's 6 weeks old and is a scute as can be!

We went to Walmart ot buy fireworks and well there was a girl with free KITTENS! I was just *looking* and fell in LOVE with one of them. She's got long hair and is all different colors. I had to talk to my uncle to make sure it was ok so I had them hold her for me. I ran straight home and asked my uncle. He said ok!! Well I told Francesca that I got a surprise for her but she had to clean her room first. She whined and moaned but she did it.

So we went back to Walmart. I told her we had to get some "stuff" for our cousins rabbit... Well, we got a litter box, litter, a collar, toys, a kitty condo and I think thats it. She kept saying mom thats for a cat. I kept having to say well aunt Margie wants it for the rabbit! hee hee She fell for it and everything. It was so cute when we went back to the firework stand and the girl saw me and grabbed the kitten... then I told Francesca go over to that boy (he was next to the girl and had grabbed to the kitten to take it to me) and he has your surprise. She walked over there and looked at the kitten and then at me back and forth... It was soooo cute! I dont think she believed it was for her. This cat is sooo cute! Shes TINY! Francesca named her Jubilee after her favorite X-men character. The kitten is adorable! Shes already box trained too!! WOO HOO for me!! Francesca has her in her room and is just in love with her. SHe fell alseep with her on her bed all snuggly. I took some pictures and will *try* to get them posted in the next few days.

I have wanted a kitten soooo bad! I think I say I got it for her but really its for me... The cat LOVES Francesca and I... She really fills that empty hole in my heart... Shes so gosh darn cute! :)

Who are the angels really watching over?

2005-07-02T23:31:00.000-07:00

Everyone has someone in their life that gives them the strength, support and love they need to live everyday life. Whether it be a friend, a family member or someone they have never met, everyone has someone. Well, I am lucky enough to have 6 of those people. Anyone who knows me should be able to name all 6 people in a heartbeat. And well if you don't know, they are... My two moms (YES I have two beautiful incredible moms), my dad (whom I adore), my best friend (Frankie, who is my everything, although he probably doesn't know it) and of course my two kids (who are my heart and soul)... Now when you almost lose one of those people your life almost ends.

A few years ago my father found out he had cancer. The first time I heard my step mom say it I think I instantly went into shock. He wasn't given very long to live and wasn't doing too well. He has had the maximum amount one person can have of any form of radiation and he's gone through chemo. Now when you are 21 years old and you hear this you tend to block most of it out. I never saw my father while he was in the hospital because I refused. My dad was coming home. I didn't need to visit him in there. And two if anything did happen I didn't want to have the last time I see him be in that situation. I wanted to remember my dad when he was healthy... not the one dying in a hospital because of some monster that was eating at him on the inside and that wouldn't go away. Thank the Lord that my dad has been cancer free for a few years and is doing sooo good it amazes even the doctors.

Just a few days ago I got a call early in the morning from my moms cell phone. I ignored it because I was still in bed and had a headache. Well, a little while later I got another call from her cell phone and ignored it again as I was just waking up and still had a headache. Now remind you I NEVER EVER ignore a call from my mom. NEVER. So, I jumped in the shower, got out, got dressed and then called my moms cell phone. Well, a guy answered. I figured it was my brother because my step-dad is working out of town so why would he be answering my moms cell phone? "Christian?" I say. "No, this is Chris." Chris is my step-dad. I don't remember exactly what was said but I do remember him saying that he was the one that had been calling me. I was a bit confused and said "Umm,ok" And then he said if I wanted to talk to my mom. Well... ummm... sure... The next thing I hear is my mom in a voice that I will never in my life ever forget say... "Hi baby girl." I said something like hi mom and I have no idea what else. After what I heard next I seemed to have lost conscience or something cause I don't remember much. My mom said "Tanya, I had a heart attack" My moms voice was not her own, it was like she was dead. I was almost about to hang up and drive the 14 hours that it takes to get to her. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything was gonna be ok. Or maybe I wanted her to hold me and tell me everything was gonna be ok. I don't know. I do remember saying "Mom, shut up". I didn't want to hear this news. I wanted to hear that she was ok. I wanted to hear that she was calling me to tell me she was coming to see me or that cat did something funny. I did NOT want to hear that she had a heart attack. She told me that she was going to be ok but that doesn't help when you just heard your mom tell you that she had a heart attack. She told me that one of her arteries was completely blocked and that they tried to open it but couldn't. And I remember her telling me they were transporting her to another hospital. By this time I am hysterical but cant let my mom know that. I tried with all my heart to stop crying long enough to get off the phone. Well, she told me that she wanted to tell me that she loved me and that my step dad would call later that night when I was off work. I told my mom I loved her and that I would be waiting for her call.

As soon as I hung up the phone I sat there bawling my eyes out like I have never done before. I had just started an amazing relationship with my mom nearly 5 and a half years before and Ill be damned if anyone or anything is going to take her away from me. I sat there for about 5 minutes not knowing what to do with myself. I knew what it felt like to almost lose my dad... and now possible lose my mom? I immediately called my step mom who works in a hospital. I was crying so much that I was barely able to spit out "Mom" when she answered the phone. "Tanya?" she said, probably not knowing it was me because I couldn't even breathe. I finally spit out that my mom had a heart attack and that was it before I could barely breathe again. I told her that this isn't supposed to happen to her. She's not even 45 yet. Well, I talked to my step mom for about 20 minutes while she calmed me down and told me that everything was going to be ok. She explained to me what they were more than likely going to do to my mom and what would probably happen. I was a little bit calmer after I got off the phone but the rest of the day was a nightmare.

I called into work and told my Team Lead that I wasn't coming in because my mom had just had a heart attack and she seemed more pissed off than anything. Tough shit bitch. I'm not going to work unless you want me on the phones crying and not doing any good there. The rest of the day I sat in my room and cried and played on the computer talking to friends. I don't think I could have made it through that day without my friends on here. I sent messages through all the groups I belonged to for people to pray for my mom. I think she must have had 200 people from these online groups praying for her.

I don't remember the phone call that night at all but I do know my mom was doing better and that she hadn't been able to move for almost 12 hours so she wasn't comfortable. I was just glad to hear that she was still alive. I talked to her the next morning and she sounded soooo much better. My mom pulled through. My mom will be okay. She will be on a strict diet and have to exercise and all that good stuff but she will be ok.

My mom and I didn't talk much while I was growing up. I lived with my dad and my step mom and saw my mom on occasion. My mom was young. She was 18 when she had me. My dad and her split up some time later. My step mom and my dad got married 20 days before my 4th birthday. I didn't really have a close relationship with my mom until I had Francesca. I was 20 when I had her.

My mom was caught up in some bad stuff and made some bad decisions in life. Who hasn't? I am so proud of my mom and the woman she is. I can only pray to grow up to be just like her. I cant even explain my mom. She's incredible. She's a strong woman. She's a smart woman. She's a bold woman. She is 100% real. I don't think I have ever met anyone as real as my mom. Things have happened in her life that would ruin most women. Things she never deserved. My mom doesn't use any of that as an excuse for anything. If you met my mom I don't think you ever would guess that she had a life that was anything less than perfect. I'm sitting here trying to think of a way to explain her and I cant... She's just awesome.

I really have no idea what I would do if I lost any of those 6 people that mean the world to me. Since my dad is cancer free and after all the medical things he's survived I have said that my dad has lots of angels watching over him. He has angels upon angles. Now I can say that about my mom too. She has angels watching over her. I know I am not ready to lose either of my moms or my dad. To me I am still a baby and I need them here to help me and to take care of me. I am not ready to be without them. I think God knows he has to keep them here with me and the more I think about it, I'm not sure the angels are watching over them. I think they may be watching over me...

Sending myself flowers :)

2005-06-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

Well, everything has been the same ol around here... Working... sleeping and well sitting here in front of this box. The only thing to report is that Ray will be coming to visit us from the 21st to the 25th. I have to say as much as he has put us through I am happy we get to see him. I know it will take a LONG time for him to chage, if ever, but he has shown a little progress these past few days. He said 'I love you' for the fisrt time in almost 4 months. I didn't say it back because I am not sure if I said it I would be telling the truth. That is one thing I will not lie about! LOL

Even though he has shattered my heart and then stomped on it with his big ass combat boots he has taught me a lot of things about myself. I always knew I was one person most people wouldnt want or like to piss off but I never really realized how strong of a person I am. People have been telling me that they are proud of me and that I am such a strong woman to have made the choices I have made. I never realized what they meant. I knew but never thought anythign of it. I ahve always thought that this is somethignI ad to do. No one ever gave him the right to hurt me or my children or to make my life a living hell. Why am I strong for leaving? I thought about it last night as I laid in bed with a crying grumpy almost 2 year old that just had 3 shots and a finger poke with a fever and sore legs. I guess that many women that were in my situation dont leave. They all have thier own reasons, some cause they are scrared, some think they will be lonely and some are just plain stupid. What ever thier reasons they dont leave. I stuck around for as long as I did because I was scared. I was scared of what my family would think because they only saw the happy smiling me and never the me that got tormented by my husband. I guess I picked up my skirt and grabbed my balls (gotta love that movie!) because I am a strong person.

I believe in what I believe and thats it. I will never try to make you believe what I believe and I expect the same from you. I have learned so much about myself in the last few months it scary. I feel like I didnt know myself before. I think before I was a lost soul waiting for someone to find me. I have learned that I can be happy as a single mom. I can love living in the middle of... hickville... for lack of better words LOL I've learned that I can wake up at 530 to be at work at 7 on a Saturday morning. I learned that I dont have to pretend to be happy when Im not. I have become a better person because of all this. I know I live my life trying to be the best person I can.

I am human, I will love my husband forever regardless of what he did, does or will do but that does not mean I have to accept it. I am the one that says I will not forget but I will forgive.. one day. Ray told me before I left that he hopes I "kick ass" while Im here in Oregon. He said he hopes I am happy, work, and spend time with the kids. I told him I will do everything... I will work, be happy, spend time with the kids, and so much more. He said he hopes I do because then it will prove that it was him that was holding me back from being the person I really am. Well, I have dont everything I said I was going to and then some. I hope when he comes to visit he will realize this and see that he needs to change his life too.

His birthday is Sunday... and our 3 year anniversary will be on the 10th. I doubt he will remember our anniversary... not that it matters, I guess. Maybe he will send me flowers... or a card... HA wishful thinking I suppose LOL Maybe I will buy myself some flowers :) Thats a GREAT idea!! :)

Feelings... nothing more than feelings...

2005-06-22T22:52:00.000-07:00

While driving home from work yesterday I caught myself dancing and singing in my car while I was driving. Yea you know one the weirdos that you slow down for just to look at? Yup that was moi. I stopped after about 10 minutes thinking what on earth is wrong with me? Why am I so happy? Maybe it was the summer solstice, who knows. For the rest of the 20 minutes on my way home I thought about my life. I used to think I had the worst life ever. My dad and I never use to talk and he wouldn't let me go out like all the other kids so of course I had the worst life ever lived.

I look back now and thank God for the life I've lived. My father and my mother got divorced when I was little, although I don't know the whole story, I am happy they chose what was right for them. I got a wonderful step-mom out of it so I can't complain. And although while growing up my biological mom wasn't around much she is one of my very best friends now. I thank God every day for giving me the wonderful supportive family I have. I have no idea where I would be without them.

July 10 2005 will be three years that I have been married. Three years ago I decided to build my life around the fact that I will be spending the rest of my life with this man. Now that I am not with him physically I feel an empty place in my heart. It is not and will never be completely filled until he changes his ways. I can say though that my family has helped fill that empty space and I really have no idea how I would have done all of this without them. I really doubt I would or could have.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago.. maybe a little less. When I found out about it I felt my life shatter. Although I was far from being close to my dad I couldn't stand to think of losing him to something as horrible as cancer. My dad was in the hospital a few times and I never went to see him. Part of me said that I didn't have to because he will be home in a day or two. The other part of me said I didn't want that to be the way I remembered my father. My father is now cancer free and I pray he NEVER has to deal with it again. He has been given the maximum amount of radiation one person can get in a lifetime so I hope it NEVER shows its ugly face again. I adore my dad now more than ever.

I don't remember much about any other family members, outside my immediate family anyway. I cant say I regret not knowing them but I do wish I knew more about my own family. How can I know myself when I don't know my family? So many people are without families right now. So many people are lost ina world of drugs, sex or money that they forget what really matters. I have to explain to my daughter almost everyday that the reason I go to work isn't so I can buy the Barbie that just came out or take her to the earliest showing of Star Wars. It's because I have to make sure I can feed her, clothe her and make sure she is safe. So many people forget what life is really about.

I know I have complained that I don't have all the things I want and that I haven't had the best luck. I think I realized that I have all it takes to be happy. I have the love and support of my family and friends. I have two healthy beautiful children. My husband even told me today that he really has gotten to thinking and that by the time he comes up here in three weeks that he will have gotten into counseling and rehab. I really hope thats true. And even if its not I am still happy. I have a life that I like right now.

I guess my whole thing is that I really hope you all realize how important you are. Make sure that you come first. Keep your family close. You never how long they are gonna be around. Let go of all the grudges you have. What good are they anyway? Your the better person if you say you are sorry. Your the happier person if you live life they way you should...

Make sure you give all your family a sign today, may it be a hug or just a hello, that you love them... It makes the world a better place...

Neverending Story

2005-06-16T16:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I am sorry I haven't updated in a while. I started working this past Monday. Wow does this crap take a lot of you! Finally yesterday I got to start on the phones. Today we were on the phones pretty much all day. I have to say it's pretty fun. There are people who want to talk to you and there are some that hate you and hang up on you but oh well...

Yesterday was pretty funny. On the phones I am the nicest sincere person you can imagine. People probably dont think I can be so nice and professional but I can. Well, I called this house and a young boy, about 9, answered. I asked if so and so was home and he said no. I asked if there was a better time to reach him. The kids said later this evening. I said thank you so much and we will call him back then. Now I can really hang up the phone on a person so I usually have to wait until they hang up. SO while waiting for him to hang up I started making note of the call back. All of a sudden the kid said "bitch" and then immediately hung up the phone. I kinda laughed because he sounded like he was trying to be tough. I found it funny that people who dont even know me think Im a bitch! Yay! Im doing my job!! :) Then today my last call of the day was the hardest... LOL It went on FOREVER. The lady kept telling me all this stuff about her car. She was mad but laughing and stuff. It was time for us to leave and she just kept going and going. Finally I got her off the phone and got to clock out 10 minutes late LOL oh well... stupid people, sheesh.

Other thanthat there isnt any news to report. I have to work 6 days this week... I don't find that very cool at all. I will ahve sunday and monday off though. I miss spending the days with the kids but I guess I do have to work to take care of them if I am going to do this on my own. Well, I am exhausted so I am going to go watcha movie with the kids. I will try to update more often for all you daily readers ;)

Exit Stage left...

2005-06-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well, BIG news! I quit Starbucks!! I am positive you all are surprised! I went for the interview on Friday and got the job! Yay! I have an awesome schedule and it's VERY flexible so thats great for me! I will be working from Tuesday through Saturday though. It seems like a pretty easy job so it's all good. My boss seems super nice and she's from Cali too! She said there's a bunch of us Cali people there! Woo hoo!

I have decided that I HAVE to take Ray to court. I will be filing for divorce and taking him to court to get child support and custody. I tried to buy diapers yesterday and I couldnt because he has the account overdrawn. He just has to go the bar and to a Dodger game... all with his girlfriend of course. It's pretty sad when everything else comes before your children. I told him the second you fuck me over finacially your dead. And I mean that. I will screw his ass so bad in court he'll wish he was dead. I have copies of ALL his documents. I copied everything before I left. I copied his discahrge papers that include all the times he fucked up. Ive documented the times he hit me, the times he's hit Francesca and the ALL million of the time that he drank and was shit faced drunk, and all the times he's spent all the money at bars. He's so dead it's not even funny. There is not a judge in the world that would grant him anything other than supervised visitation. And that's all I will allow.

Ray told me that he couldn't give me money because he has to pay for daycare for his daighter. I really don't give a flying fuck. I told him to call her mom and get money form her and then he hung up on me. :::GASP::: How dare I mention the Goddess name and ask say to her for money :::faint::: Shit I should know she needs to shove it up her nose. Like I said if his bitch ass mom is gonna pay for one kid she should pay for them all. Fuck that shit. That whole family can go to hell. I'm super mad that it's all come to this but I should have expected it from them. They hated our daughter and me from the beginning. And if they don't like Francesca they don't like Marcello either. I hope they all die and suffer a long painful death like fish out of water...

I told you I'm a bitch... If you aren't strong enough to handle that, then exit stage left. NEXT!

Just a big ramble... and a big step....

2005-06-08T21:33:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a long day. No one ordered a tall skinny anything, thank the Lord. Half way through the day I thought about quiting. I can't stand being 25 years old working with high school kids. And yes they are kids to me. They are sooooo fucking lazy! Well, I promise I wont be there long. If I don't like it I'm not staying, period.

Other than that today was a big day. I finally took of my wedding rings. You would have thought I did that a long time ago huh? Well, it hurt too much. From the day I got married I can't think of a time where I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. I had taken the engagement ring off so a diamond can be replaced but my wedding band never came off. I loved my husband with all my heart so I figured I should keep it on. Granted, Ray NEVER EVER wore his. He had one when we got married and then about 3 weeks after he lost it. Of course he says he was playing with it and they were in a field drinking (he was in A-school for the military) and it fell off. Since it was in the middle of the night he couldn't find it. That was right around the time he spent 155 dollars on a hotel room. Uh huh... I believe him... don't you? HAHA right. Then he bought himself a new one and then lost that a few months later on the ship. I think he lost it cause he never kept it on. When Ray was in school and he lost that ring, he sent me diamond earrings... when he came home from school he brought me a ring, a necklace and a bracelet. Guilty? You betcha. I never thought for one second that he bought those things cause he loved me. He wanted to look good. He was guilty of something...

I am a bitch. Period. Fuck with me and/or my kids and you are going to wish you never existed. I do not forgive and I sure as hell don't forgive. I stand up for what I believe and no one can change my point of view. I am what I am, take it or leave it. I may be single cause of the fact I think it's my way or no way, but I am proud of that. People have told me that if I don't change my way of thinking I may be single forever. That's fine with me. If they like living their unhappy lives thats fine with me. Just don't comlain to me about it! True, I may never be happy, but that's my choice. I was fucked with, I've fucked and theres no use in crying over spilled milk. We live and learn. I have learned it's all about me. And my kids of course.

Ok so I'm rambling a little. Point is, I'm a bitch. Deal with it or leave... and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. As for my wedding rings... they are put away in a memory box. My husband doesn't deserve me wearing them. He is no longer my husband in my eyes. They are for my daughter to have when she is older. Maybe my son. I don't think I can ever get rid of them. Francesca won't ever wear it after she's married because it wont be her wedding ring. Her husband will buy her a ring the size of Texas anyhow... I demand it. Marcello wont need it either cause if he loves the woman enough, he will buy her what she wants. Yea yea I know I'm not materialistic BLAH BLAH BLAH

Wow.. It was such a huge step I stumbled.... but I'm ok....

Moving on up... I hope...

2005-06-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day... finally!! Well, since I do not like the Starbucks thing I decided to look for another job. Yes I am keeping that one until I get a new one. I applied at Isky. It's a customer service position. I would be calling people who have just bought or had service on different types of vehicles. From Bentley to Jeep to Honda to BMW all of them. I will one of those annoying people that call at dinner time asking if you have time to take a quick survey. Yes I know you love me ;) What the heck do I care if I ruin your romantic evening or stop the fight you and your husband are having? Not my problem. Hang up on me! I don't care. I get paid for it! Hahahahaha... Too bad for you. I need a good paying job and if that's it then woo hoo for me!

I went in to fill out the application. I had it filled out in 5 minutes. The receptionist asked if I had time to take a few tests. Well, my dear, of course I do! She said they would take about an hour. Great. Sounds like a ton of fun. I did a typing test, a grammar test, a spelling test, and a test to see how well you browse the internet. Oh please. I am a genius if you look at those scores! I had them completed in 15 minutes. She then had me role play. Fun I tell ya! I had to pretend I was calling her and read off the paper... Hello, may I please speak to Ms. Gardner? Hi Ms. Gardener this is (name here) from Isky. I am calling on a recent purchase you made through (company here). I would like to ask you a few questions on your experience with (product name here), is that ok? BLAH BLAH BLAH..." See, I'm already an expert. She marked excellent on all the boxes and said "I see no problem with you getting on... Be here on Friday morning at 9 am for an interview." Yay for me! Moving up in the world... I think.

I do work at Starbucks tomorrow and no I haven't read ANY of my book... I guess I should. I am going to work there till I am hired on Friday. Pretty confident huh? Yea, I am. I'm the best at everything I do. Humor me. I am NOT looking forward to working tomorrow. I work from 8 am till 430 pm. If I hear one person order a tall skinny anything I'm gonna scream.

Hopefully Friday I will post that I have a new job... One where I can bug the crap out of people while they are eating dinner the same way the bug the crap out of me... Smile!

You want a tall skinny WHAT????

2005-06-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

Well, where do I begin? I started working at Starbucks yesterday. Man am I NOT used to standing on my feet for 9 hours!! I got there, watched a movie about the Starbucks roasting process(quite interesting, surprisingly enough LOL)... and then I was thrown out in the wild to fend for myself. My manager left. I was there with a guy that reminds me of an ex boy-friend and two girls that obviously werent very intelligent. Ok I am NOT stupid by any means... but when some fuck head comes up and orders a tall skinny Macchiato with whipped cream and caramel at 195 degrees with no sleeve... sounds like something found on the corner of downtown Vegas... So here I am dumbfounded at what this 200 year old man has told me... I have a paper in front of me with register codes to a million different things, I find the Macchiato, I hesitate to ask my co-workers what the rest means. I give in, otherwise this old man will die of even older age right at my register. They talk to me like Im stupid. I was there for an hour and a half... how am I supposed to know all this crap? I may be from LA but Im a smart one... I dont buy the overly priced stuff! If someone else is buying then hey Im all for it... I get a Frappachino and thats it! Nice and simple... Now how the heck are you REALLY gonna know if the "barista" (ok coffee girl) heated your coffee up to 195 degrees or not? PA-LEASE I hung in there the rest of the day. There were times that there were 15 people in line and no one to help me. I would write the wrong codes on the cups for the "barista" to make and it was MY fault... well no one taught me the codes for that! So to piss them off I would write the WHOLE name out if I didnt know the code. I am ALL for awesome customer service but its the co-workers I hate...

As for the rest of my life, the kids are doing great and I think I am getting used to the single life. No I dont go out and party like I used to, but I do feel like I am starting over. I feel like God has given me the chace to make the needed changes in my life. I love that feeling. I love freedom and independence. Its AWESOME. I am no longer the pissed off bitch I was... I feel really good right now.

The feeling of being happy is overwhelming to me... I havent felt this way in so long. I hope it lasts....

How unfair... No one wipes MY ass....

2005-06-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, today there is good news! Last week I got hired at Safeway as a cashier. The pay wasn't that good and neither were the benefits, though it was a job. Well today I went in for orientation and the guy said I could work for Starbucks (inside of Safeway) instead if I wanted to. The pay is 10 cents more an hour LOL and the benefits start after 30 days. And I wont have to pay union fees cause its not union! Yay!!! Ummm hello? More money, and not have to pay dues!! I'm all over it!

When I came home from there my daughter opened the front door all excited and told me that Marcello (21 months) had cut his finger with a knife. I'm pissed. My uncle was watching them so I wanted to know what happened. He said that Marcello got in the drawer and grabbed the knives and put one in his mouth. He carefully took it out and then tried to get the other one out of his hand. He was holding the blade. And when he tried to pry his fingers off of it Marcello squeezed harder cause hi to cut himself. Now yes I am pissed that he was able to get to the knives but I guess accidents happen. Though I don't like the fact that he wasn't watching him and he got them in the first place.

I was talking to a friend (luv ya sweetie!) and she said that I should try to find daycare cause I can't come home to dead kids LOL Well, she's totally right. My cousins will be watching them and the oldest is 18. I thought wow I guess I should look into it. My friend told me that my husband should pay half. HA! He is having his parents pay for half of his daughters daycare for the summer cause he's too chicken shit to get child support from his daughters mom. Well hey, I thought it would be nice if his parents paid for half of these kids' daycare too!! Oh no wait! They never do for these kids what they do for that other one. This has been an ever going argument with Ray and I.

When I found out I was pregnant with Francesca Ray didn't tell his family about her, I didn't either so whatever... After Francesca was born they NEVER NEVER NEVER called to see how I was or how their grand-daughter was. Never did a damn thing. Granted they did drive from Whittier to Barstow all the time to pick up their other grand-daughter. They always talked to her and always saw her. The first time they even saw Francesca she was a little over 2 years old. How pathetic. From what I was told ray told them that I didn't want Francesca to see them and that I kept Francesca away from everyone. That is such bullshit. I would call Ray all the time to see if they (or he) wanted to see her but of course he would tell me that they didn't want to see her and he didn't either. Wow... quality people huh?

They paid for Rays daughter to play soccer and were gonna pay for her to go to Catholic school. The would do anything for her. They bought her clothes from GAP cause GOD for-fucking-bid any kid born into that family wear anything but name brand clothes. They bought her tons of stuff. Now remind you I am NOT a materialistic person (regardless of what anyone thinks - I'm not) but I think its really unfair to do that kinda crap. And of course the love and affection is the same way. Well, I'm lying. Francesca gets left out a lot. Marcello is everything to them... After that first grand-child of course. He's the first boy! He means something.

It bothers me a lot but I have let it go cause I know that my two kids get more love and affection from me to account for a million people. My children know that their mom loves thema nd will do anything to make sure they have the best life possible. Rays other kids mom really is into drugs, she's been in and out of jail, she's had numerous pregnancies (although only one child), she's been beat, she's been molested, she's just plain psycho and that poor child will learn that sooner or later. I know my children don't have to. Although they do share the same messed up alcoholic father. Wow... that sucks... for him.

So needless to say I KNOW that they wont pay for half or any of these kids' daycare. That's ok though. I don't need or want them to. All I want is them out of my life. I am an adult and I don't need my ass wiped like my husband does. Apparently he still hasn't learned to do it on his own.

So, yay! I have a job, my kids, and lots of family and friends that support me... And damn what do you know... I can wipe my own ass too!

I can finally breathe...

2005-06-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I talked to my husband last night. I called to bitch him out on why he spent 28 dollars at the movie theater and 12 dollars at the ice cream shop. Yes, sounds petty I know. I called to find out who he is going out with. He's the worst liar in the world.

A week before I decided to pack my things and leave, my husband got a phone call from a girl that he knew before he met me. He says she was just an old friend. I had met her before and she's not the greatest person. Granted I've only met her a hand full of times from what I've heard out of my husbands mouth she is NOT a good person. She would do anyone and anything to get drugs. Including my husband. Yes they slept together one time (supposably once, and from what he says, before him and I even met). Well I found out that she had called a few weeks prior to that phone call and his mom answered. He wasn't home. But she did give him the message, without me knowing. And of course he called her back, again without me knowing. I found all this out when I was there when she called this time. I was furious. First my mother in law can go to hell for not telling the bitch that he's married (the girl knew this cause I told her a LONG time ago when she had called) Second my husband can drop dead for calling her back. My husband has always been a liar, and not a good one at that. So, when I called about the movies I wanted to know who he went with. I know it wasn't his daughter as he said it was. One adult and one child ticket does NOT cost 28 bucks. I may be dumb but I'm not stupid.

I then asked my husband if he has called or made appointments to get help for his drinking problem. He got mad and said that he couldn't talk. Of course he can't. Someone might really find out how big of a fuck up he is. He proceeded to tell me that he's been too busy. Too busy paying bills, working, finding out about his daughters daycare for the summer... and apparently going to the movies and buying overly priced ice cream and pizza. As he was telling me this it was a huge slap in the face. I couldn't help the tears that suddenly started falling down my face. Was I not that important to him. Are his two beautiful children not that important?

I was so angry, more so at myself than him. How can I be so stupid as to want to try to make it work? I've given what I can. I've done what I can. I will no longer hold my breath hoping that things change and get better. At the moment he said he was too busy I realized that I have to move on. I can no longer waste my time. I will be 26 in August. I don't have time to mess around with a fuck up like him. I deserve so much better... The funny thing - I KNOW this. I sat up for about 2 hours after that late night phone call thinking of how much he has hurt me. Another slap in the face. Getting slapped in the face seems to be a normal occurrence these days.

I can't wait for the rest of life to begin. Especially now that I can finally breathe again....

A pretty face with a stone cold blackened heart....

2005-06-02T00:22:00.000-07:00

Ican't even begin to tell you how sick I am of pretending that my life is wonderful now... That I am happy with all that Ive chosen. No Im not happy that I am 1000 miles away from everything Ive ever known. No, I am not happy that I am no longer 10 miles from Nordstroms with the MAC counter so perfectly set at the entrance. These are the choices I have made and I AM happy I made them.

It's a whole new world to me. One I never imagined myself in. If 10 years ago someone would have said my life was gonna be like this I would laughed... and ran the other direction. When I was 18 I was so full of life and energy I dont know how anyone kept up with me. I was always wanting to go out and have fun. I didnt have a care in the world about anything. I think I was happy then. Things have happened that made me change my views on life. I was so fast to love and so fast to give everyone a chance. I've learned my lesson... the hard way, of course. I no longer want to love, I no will no longer give chances, I will no longer put up with the shit that people like to dish out. For now, if you want to be a permanent fixture in my life you live by my rules... It's my turn now.

Theres a person inside me that wants to come out. The person that laughs all the time and is happy with her life. A person that has a heart full of love and laughter. The real me. Very few people know the real me... very few meaning one if any. It wont be an easy task but if anyone chooses to attempt and succeeds at filling my heart with happiness will have my heart forever.... But as for now I am just a pretty face with a blackened heart of stone.

No one said it was gonna be easy...

2005-05-31T22:48:00.000-07:00

But I never thought it was gonna be this hard. It's been two weeks and two days since I left my husband. I constantly wonder if I made the right decision. I am sure I did...

My husband and I met in February of 1999. We had our daughter in January of 2000. Yes yes... Many drunken nights are to blame. I was alone the last half of my pregnancy. I didn't tell a soul other than a few really close friends and my, now, husband. I was terrified of what people would think. I was 19 years old still living with my parents. It was a few weeks before Thanksgiving when I finally told my step-mom. She was heart-broken. She told my dad and a few days later I had to move out. I stayed in a co-workers garage, made into an 8x8 bedroom with a 5x3 attached bathroom. Not the best living quarters but much better than the street. As time grew closer to have the baby I wrote my mom a letter telling her to be expecting a grand-daughter in the next few weeks. I knew I was breaking my families heart... but I knew having a child would stop me from going down the road my soon to be husband chose to stay on...

A few days after having our daughter, Francesca, I moved in with my Nona (grandma). She lived all of 3 houses away from my parents. My father continued to watch us from inside his front door but wanted nothing to do with me. We never got a long anyway... My step-mom would bring Francesca to see him but I was not allowed in his house. A few months later that changed. I think my father realized I was still his daughter....

Time went on and I tried to talk to Ray and get him to want to see his daughter but he never "had time". Yea he was too busy raising his first daughter with a slut that really was a crackhead. I started working when Francesca was a little over a year and it broke my heart to see her screaming as I left the daycare. But if I was gonna raise her alone I had to go to work.

After a few months I decided to go to bartending school so I could work nights and not have to leave my daughter with strangers. I did that for about 6 months before I started talking to Ray again. Here Francesca was about to have her 2nd birthday and now all of a sudden he wants in our lives. He told me he would change, stop drinking, he wanted to take care of us... I believed him....

To make a longer story a little shorter... Ray joined a branch in the military and left for boot camp in May and came hom ein July for a few weeks. We got married on July 10th, 2002. Ray left for school, in Virginia, while I stayed home in California. He was drunk 9 out of ten times that I called him. He came home right before Thanksgiving. We moved 400 miles from family right after Thanksgiving. And on Christmas Eve I found out we were expecting baby #2... NOT what I wanted. Ray left for Iraq on January 3rd, 2003. 5 days before our daughters 3rd birthday, so yet again he wouldnt be at her birthday party.

Ray came home in June and our son was born on my birthday at the end of August. This is when it all went down hill. Ray continued to drink and hide it from me. He would "be nice" and wake up with the baby at night... Yea he'd go downstairs and download porn onto my computer, as though I would never find out about it. He swore it "just showed up one day". Pornographic movies DO NOT show up by themselves, especially personalized with his favorite "girls". And as for the bottle of rum under the living room couch... that just showed up too. Thank God I found it and not our daughter...

Ray ended up getting "discharged" from the military because he was drunk while standing watch. A HUGE no-no while in the military. So on Christmas Eve of 2004 we moved in with my in-laws... FUN!! The drinking got worse, the bitching got worse and the more angry I got. I gave him a choice... Either he gets help for his drinking or I leave with the kids....

Here I am 1000 miles away from him and the rest of my family. It shows what came first. Two weeks have past and he hasn't tried to get any help. He's perfectly happy. He has mommie to raise his daughter that was dumped on us. He can go out whenever he wants... just like he was young again. Oh yes.. he'll be 27 in a month. So now I am starting over... I no longer care what people think... He can either get help for his drinking and try to start our life over together, once again (and Im not holding my breath this time), or he can become my prey...