Watermelon Lump

Maybe its a coincidence, maybe not. On Saturday January 21, 2006 it will be exactly 8 months that I left my husband. Saturday January 21, 2006 I have an appointment to fill out divorce papers. As I write the word divorce, a lump the size of a large watermelon forms in my throat. It's so over... so final. So many people told me not to marry Ray. No one had faith that he would be a good husband. Not one person said it was a good idea. But of course I married him anyway. Only for him to prove everyone else right. When I first met him he was totally sweet and caring. After a while he just became an ass. Why I married him I have no idea. I found out I was pregnant with Marcello just two weeks before he left to Iraq for 6 months. I went through the whole first 6 months alone, other than Francesca. She was the one that cared about everything. He never asked how I felt, like he didn't care about the baby I was carrying... or for me. I will never forget how much it hurt when he came home from Iraq. After being gone for 6 months with only a few phone calls here and there and maybe one email a week, you would think you would hug your wife who is 7 months pregnant or at least say hi. He asked me where I parked. Other guys had flowers they had bought the night before at one of the stops... Other boyfriends and husbands hugged the wives or girlfriends and seemed like they never wanted to let go. And then there is me... 7 months pregnant and all my husband says is "Where'd you park?" and hands me his oversized jacket to carry, as Francesca talks her head off as she follows him. Francesca and I were so excited for him to come home that neither one of us could sleep that night. But when I saw him and it seemed as though he forgot who I was that feeling fell to the floor. I cant forget that feeling... it's the same feeling I have now.
So many people ask me if I love him. He's my husband. Is it possible to just stop loving someone you planned on spending the rest of your life with? Cause if it is, can someone please let me in on it? I'm not getting divorced because I want to, I'm getting divorced because I know the marriage wont work. Ray has never said he wants to get divorced but he's never said he wants to stay married. He says he wants to move over here and work things out but in my heart I know he's full of shit. I think I am more in love with the husband he was suppose to be rather than the husband he was.
It's very late so I will continue this tomorrow...

Woo hoo for me!!!!!

First I want to say that I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year!
I myself could not have gotten better news today! My last two classes ended on Christmas day. I wasn't too worried about my english class but my Critical Thinking class was a WHOLE other story. I was terrified that I was going to have to take the class over. I HONESTLY thought I would get maybe a C. I was so mad at myself because it was so hard for me to understand. If I got a C it would ruin my 4.0 GPA that I so desperatly want to keep. Today I got a response from my CT instructor and guess what... I got an A!! I could have peed my pants I was so excited! I literally grabbed my son and started dancing. I kept singing that little song from the Little Rascals movie... "I got a dollar, I got a dollar, hey hey hey hey... I got a dollar" but I was singing "I got an A, I got an A hey hey hey hey... I got an A" Then shortly after I got the email from my english instructor and I got an A in that class too!! I can tell you how happy I am about it! I sure pray that this is how the rest of 2006 will be!! Ahhhhhh!!! I am so happy for me!! 4.0 GPA something I never had before!! Especially after 12 college units! LOL
I think that is the only undate I have right now but I just had to share my excitement! A single mom raising two kids practically alone, working full time and going to school full time getting straight A's... who'd a thunk it'd be me?? ::Happy Dance::
Oh and we are going to Disneyland on Friday for Francesca's birthday. I can't wait! I LOVE Disneyland!! But damn my little girl is going to be 6 on Sunday!! Holy crap am I old or what??? Life only gets better here!!! Warp speed ahead!!!!
::happy dance::

Warp speed ahead please....

Woo hoo! Mom is home and doing great! I talked to her yesterday and she said she doing really good except she looks like a train ran her over! She has lots of incisions but honestly she can look like scarface from head to toe and it wouldnt matter to me! She is alive and doing great! That's all that matters to me!
Christmas is less than a week away. I have no decorations no tree nothing. I bought each kid a couple things (family gave me money to buy them gifts) so at least they will have something to open. We are spending Christmas and Hristmas Eve at my mom's cousins house so we don't have to be alone. I have to say I am soooo depressed this year. Its my first Christmas without that ass hole of a husband and man it sucks. I think what sucks is that I think of what COULD have been. Not how it was but how it could have been. I hate to think about it but it just proves that the kids and I never meant anything to him. His family hates me and well the kids too... not so much Marcello but I know they dont care much of Francesca. I get so angry when I think of them. And how they treat me and my daughter like shit. They treat the crakhead brat (Ray's first daughter, Hannah) like gold though. They adore Marcello but thats cause hes the first grandson. Like when Francesca alls at night to talk to her dad and hes not there, so you think they ask her how she is or say they miss her or love her? hell no. They say 'hes at the store, call his cell phone'. Thats it. Nothing more. Its fucking sad when my daughter has to say 'i love you' to these people just cause she wants to hear it back. I hope they all rot in hell, every single one of them. Burn fuckers burn. I TRY not to say too much in front of my kids but I hope to God that they grow up and see that they are assholes. I can't wait for the day I hear my daughter tell them to all fuck off.
Well, this set of classes is almost over and I can NOT wait! I HATE my classes right now. And I mean HATE. I am slowly but surely working my way to a better life though. Thats what matters to me. Since its obvious no one is gonna take care of me I have to know that I can take care of my self... and that's exactly what I am going to do...

Money can't buy happiness? Your full of shit...

Wow... a month already huh? Over a month. Well, not too much has changed this past month. That I can think of anyway. Christmas is quickly approaching and I can't afford it. My kids won't get the Christmas they deserve because some stripper and beer loving fuck head won't pay child support cause that other shit is more important. It's two weeks before Christmas and my house doesn't have one God damned Christmas thing up. Not one. I hate Christmas this year. I hate it more than ever. I have bought my kids one gift each. That's it. Thanks to an awesome friend of mine that is a freaking angel my kids will ahve more than one gift each. Of course my family will buy them stuff but it's not the same. I have so little money this year I was considering getting used toys for them. That's just pathetic. I know that the holidys arent about getting toys and lots of them. try telling a 5 yera old that when thats all they hear in school. I dont want my child to feel that she was bad this year because all she got was one or two things from Santa. I do teach her what Christmas is really about but at 5 years old you don't care.
No the world doesn't revolve around money... well actually it does... but whatever. Who ever said money cant buy happiness was fucking full of shit. Overflowing with shit. where would any of us be without it? Who gives a fuck who loves you when your eating from garbage cans. Who gives a fuck how smart you are when your at the shelter because you were 100 bucks too short on your rent payment. No one. Thats right. If I had money I could afford to pay my gas bill so maybe I would turn the heater on when it's 32 degrees outside. If I had money I might be able to have more than two pairs of pants to wear to work. Maybe if I had money I could take my kids to go see that Christmas light show down the street. If I had money I could buy my daughter the Barbie and Magical Pegasus that she so desperately wants. But instead Ill put the kids in bed with me so we can stay warm, I will wear the two pairs of pants I have and hope they dont rip, I will show them the lights on the houses on the way home from work, and I will buy Christmas gifts at the 99 cent store.
Money wont buy happiness huh? Right. The lies people tell to try to make someone feel better. Don't fucking lie to me... I hate liars. I hate assholes. I'm begining to hate life. I am so proud of myself that I got out of an abusive relationhip. I started school, got a great job and have awesome kids. I couldnt be more proud of that. But... I hate my life. I have nothing. I have a roof over my head for now. I have some food, not much though. I don't have gas to get to work tomorrow morning. I have 4 dollars in my bank account. I dont get paid till friday. And when I do I have to save 75% of ti to pay rent so I dont end up in a shelter.
All I do have are my hopes and dreams. I can't let them go. The saying "Never take away a person's hope - it may be all they have" is very true. I think my kids and my hopes and dreams are the only things I have that keep me going. Although, like I told my friend the other day. I think I'm scared of scomething good happening. I am so used to things going wrong that it will fuck up my cycle. It will throw me off.
Then as though my life isn't bad enough. I found out Monday that my mom, who remind you is 45 years old, has to have triple bypass surgery. TRIPLE. What the fuck is up with that? All I do is pray that everything will be ok. I can't lose her. If I lose her I swear I will give up. She is the one that has given me the strength to do everything I've done. I can't do it without her. I know the surgery will go fine but fuck she's way too young for this shit. God had better not take her from me before I'm like 80 years old. If he does I am not sure I will believe in much. Especially myself. Anyways, if you can pray for her. I know she will be ok. She's awesome... You can read all about her and her heart attack in the July 2nd post.
I guess that's my update. I told you nothing new has happened, I did have the kids pictures taken and OMG are they cute! Here's one just in case you wanna see them ;) They are what I live for...

Last Sunday was my last day in my first two classes. I was so nervous about my final essays and tests. I was nervous I'd finish the class with a C grade or maybe a B. I was getting an A in both classes before finals but for some reason I thought that I would do horrible with my finals. I turned in my two essays and quizes. I waitied for a response on both of them. The days went so slow and I would get even more nervous when I check my newsgroups and I didnt see a response. Well, I have finally gotten a response from both teachers! :) I am so excited!

My teacher for my Persuasive Writing class gave me an A :) On my final essay I got 300/300 and she wrote that it was EXCELLENT. I didn't even get one point taken off for anything! You have no idea how excited that makes me! Then in that same class we had a grammar test. Ok I SUCK at grammar when writing. So I was REALLY nervous. Well, I got a 47.5 out of 50! She wrote that mine was the best in the class! SO I am pretty happy about that!

My other class was Skills for Learning in an Information Age. I liked the class but was still nervous about the "Survival Guide" I had to write. Well, I got 250 out of 250! WOo hoo for me!! I am so happy!

So right now I have a 4.0 in school! Have I ever had a 4.0? Ummm maybe in like 1st grade! You knwo I have been doubting myself that I can do this. I am a single mom, I work full time and Im living on my own. I knew that other women had done it but I really wasn't sure that I could. Now I know I can and honestly it makes me feels so good!

Kinda off topic but Ray AGAIN spent a couple hundred dollars at a strip club instead of paying me child support. So in reality I am not getting ANY help from him. He doesn't see the kids, doesn't buy them things they need or send money so I can get the things they need. Well, yesterday I told him that until he is going to act like a father he will not have anythign to do with us. Tough shit. No one is forcing him to pay me so no one can force me to let him talk to them. Fuck it. Take me to court. I will win as soon as they look at his past records and everything... Anyway, he called last night to see if I was serious and I said you better bet your life I am! He said that he knows he fucked p this and that, like he always says. I said you knwo what I am doing better now than I ever did when I was with you. You can go on living your fucked up life but we are not going to be in it. You are NOT going to fuck with my kids or my life anymore. I put up with it for WAY too long. I am so proud of myself and everything I have done since I've left you I have NO reason to go back. And then I hung up. I am not putting up with his shit anymore.

Since I have left him I found a job I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I got my own place. I started school. I have been so happy for the most part LOL I do have days where I am so sick of everythign but then I go to sleep and it's all better. :) Yes the kids drive me INSANE but hey thats what makes it fun :)

So now my two new classes started last Monday and so far so good! I was nervous thinking that they will get harder, which the have, but its been ok. I have an essay due tomorrow though! An essay in the first week! Yikes! But I will be ok. It will get done!

I just wanted to share with everyone that I am doing everything I have ever wanted to do! And I am doing it all on my own! YAY for me! :)

Don't belive everything you see...

Don't ask me if I'm ok. I don't want anyone to ask me if I'm ok. Cause if you do you're more than likely gonna get an honest answer. I probably won't say anything but the tears that quickly fill my eyes will be answer enough. From the outside I'm fine. From the outside you would never know that inside my world is falling apart.

I'm 26 years old, been married for three years and three months, have two beautiful kids, have a job I love and live in Vegas. What more could I ask for? Hmmm... how about a husband? Oh yea, I forgot I have one. He had my heart, ripped out, stomped on it and then spit on it all while laughing.

The last few months I think Ive been in denial. In denial that my marriage was failing. Yes I had left but in my mind we were just taking a break. Of course he was going to change. Of course he was going to come live with us, where ever we were.

There were days that he said he would move with us no matter what. Just give him time to get this in order. Then there were days that he told me to leave him alone and that he never wanted to talk to me again. Then he'd talk to me like he never said that. I never knew what to believe. Do I believe the monster he had become or do I believe the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with?

The days he tells me he misses me and the kids are days that give me hope. Even though now I know they are only words and nothing will be done it still gives me the hope that my children will one day have a normal life with both parents. But the days he tells me to go to hell and never call again give me strength. It gives me strength because I know I am doing this on my own. I can do it. I will be ok.

Do I miss him? More than you can imagine. Do I love him? If I didnt I wouldnt care. Am I sad? I am losing the person I planned on growing old with, of course I am. Am I scared? Of growing old alone, yes. Am I strong enough to get through this? Hell yeah!

When Ray and I were married and living together there were things he would do that would drive me insane. Like how at night he tossed and turned for at least 30 minutes before he got comfortable enough to fall asleep. Or the way he bit his nails and made them make a nasty popping sound. Or the face he made when he was imitating me. Its all of those things I miss. I used to get so mad at night when he moved around that one of us would end up on the couch downstairs. He asked me the other day "If I were living with you there would I still be sleeping on the couch?" I said "I'd rather have you moving around in bed with me than be in the bed alone like I am now".

So, yea, dont ask me if Im ok. If I look ok then leave it at that. Cause on the inside Im falling apart. Completely and totally... falling apart. Yea when everyone is asleep, I cry, for hours sometimes. There have been plenty of nights that Ive cried for so long that by the time I fall asleep there arent any tears to cry. Yes, I know I need to snap out of it. Well, I've been trying for 5 months and it just hasnt worked.

Ray, the other day you said you missed us... well, when you start to miss us, remember, you're the one who let us go...

A life? Who has time for one of those??

I can not believe that I am finishing up the 5th week of school. It has flown by. I am so tired and so stressed that it's ridiculous but I love it. I'm taking an English/Grammar class and an Information Technology class. They have GOT to be the MOST boring thing EVER. But I guess I gotta do what I gotta do!! :)

As for work I still LOVE it. I am having so much fun and learning so many things about working with children. I can honestly say I think this is one thing that I will be doing for the rest of my life. Working with kids is great, granted the class I work in has quite a few trouble makers. One is having MAJOR family issues, one is hyperactive but the parents refuse to do anything about it, on is just a PAIN in the ass no matter what is going on and the other is a follower so he does what all the bad kids are doing. It makes the day really long but the other kids are great so the day is fun.

I leave my house at around 7 am and get to work at 8, then I work till 5 get home around 615 - 630, then make dinner, give baths and get the kids in bed. Then at around 10 (the kids are still usually awake in the dark in their room) I start homework that has to be in by midnight. I go to sleep at midnight and then wake up at 545 once again the next day. I have no idea what its like to have a break. No idea what it is like to have 5 minutes to just relax. When I am not doing homework, dinner or baths I am chasing the kids trying to get them to help me clean the MASSIVE mess they made while I was making dinner or I’m doing laundry or cleaning. I would do anything to send my kids somewhere for 2 hours so I can take a nap. Oh and weekends? Those are GREAT! I sleep in till about 8 and then get up do laundry, clean house, and run errands. I go grocery shopping and to Target or Wal-Mart mostly. I can not spend longer than 20 minutes in a store at any given time without both kids going crazy that a) they want something and I say no so it sends them into a HUGE temper tantrum or b) they run around like wild hyenas and I get the dirtiest looks in the world. Ok I am a single mom of two VERY VERY VERY active kids. They do not have a babysitter and they do not go to a daycare where I can leave them there a little while longer so I can do these things. I am forced to take them with me. So I either leave Marcello (who’s 2) in the cart screaming at the top of lungs and making this strange noise with his throat so it sounds like I’m choking him or I let him run wild. Ummmm since I have NO patience with the screaming I let him run wild. Yes he goes in the racks and hides and yes he pulls things down but you know what? He’s a kid. Get the fuck over it. Next time you are in the store and see kids running all over don’t get mad. Think of how the mother feels. Well ok some moms don’t care that their kids run all over but some moms like myself are sooooo tired its easier on our sanity to let them have a little fun. Believe me it wont kill you if a kid is running down the isle.

With all that said I think I need to learn to have a little more patience too. My kids are driving me insane as we speak. Francesca is a whiner, like the QUEEN of whining and I HATE whiners... and Marcello, well he’s 2. That should explain everything. Its his way RIGHT now or the screaming way. And no they don’t get their way all the time... only sometimes. I can not have two spoiled kids. But I cant have two unhappy kids either. So all in all I am doing what I can for myself and my two kids. I know some people think oh well and that’s fine... but honestly I am so proud of myself for doing everything I am... I'm happy and my kids are happy and that is ALL that matters to me....

One day at a time...

Ok I havent written in forever because I have been SOOOO busy! I got my OWN place!! I am so excited it's not even funny. I have been working my 40 hours a week, doing my school work, taking care of the kids and trying to stay sane!

Work is a lot of fun. There are a few kids that REALLY test my patience but other than that I love it. Marcello still freaks out every time he sees me but hes getting better. Francesca is doing great in her Kindergarten class. Shes learning more and more everyday and I am SOOO proud of her. The work day is sooo long... I get up at 6 get to work at 8 leave school at 5 and get home at 6... unless I have shopping or errands... then Im home by 7 or 8. LONG days...

I am hoping Ray will be coming out this weekend to bring all my stuff like the mattress' and the couches and stuff. As of right now we have NOTHING to sit on but the floor LOL and well, its getting pretty darn uncomfortable! So I hope to God that he can come to bring all my stuff!

Other than that I think everythign else is pretty uneventul... Im just taking it one day at a time... thats all I can do for now...

Jaw dropping news! Sooo excited!

OK well since I havent posted in FOREVER I thought I should... There is sooo much going on right now that I can NOT take the time to actually write about all of it!

First the most major thing is that I moved to Las Vegas!! I just didnt like Oregon too much after everythign and my friend lives here in Vegas and she said come out here and stay with us for a bit. So well here I am!! I got here on Sunday evening and well I really like it here! I went today to apply for jobs as a Teachers Assistant and well I got two out the three on the spot!! I am going to be working as a Teacher in a 4year old classroom. I will have free daycare for the kids (including Francesca's free private Kindergarten!!) I will work from 8 to 5 Monday through Friday and I will get a week vacation and sick leave. I will have an assistant in the class with me and I will be in control of the curriculum for the most part. The school has one set but I can modify it.

I am so excited about it that I can hardly believe it! I really am glad that I made the desicion to move out here.

I also started school on Monday. I am going to university of Phoenix. Its all online courses and I really like it. I think it takes some getting use to but I will really like it once I understand everything!

Anyways, there isnt MUCH more but thats pretty much everything. I am sooo excited about my new job and everything. The money isnt great but it will be enough to try to get out on our own. I am just soooo excited to be working in the field I want to get into it!! Go me! Go me! Its almost my birthday!! Go me!! LMAO

Yea well....

Because of some irreversible events I would rather not discuss I will not be updating the previous post. Just know that Ray got home ok :)

Woo hoo!! It is officially my birthday month!! Let the spoiling begin! Go me! Go me! I can NOT believe that I am going to be 26 years old! HOLY COW! Where the hell does time go??? And my son will be two on my birthday! Ahhhh!! And Francesca starts kindergarten in a month! Its a conspiracy I tell ya! They are growing up way too fast!

I think about them all the time and how fast they are growing and changing. I love them to pieces and I and I can not wait to see the people they become. Is amazing that they are a part of me. I created them (yes I DID do it alone!) LOL They are so different yet so the same. I have always said I wanted more kids. I always wanted 6. But God has blessed me with two beautifully perfect children, one boy and one girl. Why would I be so selfish and have more? I have every thing I need in them. I think having more would only take valuable time from them. I am in NO way saying that people shouldn't have more cause sheesh if you have the time and energy then have 50!! More power to ya! I just don't think I do! LOL

Anyways, I enrolled in school today. Its an online school. I figure if I am going to be on my own raising two children I need to support myself and not depend on anyone else. So I am going to be taking some online classes. I am so excited! I'm supposed to start on August 22 if I can get everything done on time! Woo hoo!

Ok I think that's it for now. I spent the last few hours updating my other site and now I am tired :) Off to bed....

Well hes here....

Thursday night was a huge disaster. He missed two flights and ended up getting to Portland close to midnight. Sorry but I am NOT driving 3 hours home at midnight. So we got a hotel room. The kids and I got the room and then waited until his flight came and then we picked him up. Things were good. He wasnt an ass and I wasnt a bitch. Francesca was sooo excited to see him! And when Marcello saw him he screamed at the top of his lungs "Dada!" and ran to him. He has been glued to him ever since. Its so cute to see how happy the kids are with him.

We left Portland at about 11 in the morning and well, I got lost and took the wrong freeway Ha... Leave it to me right? Well, I am actually glad I did go the wrong way cause we ran into a beautiful waterfall! I was in awe when I saw it as I have never seen one. We went up to it and I took a ton of pictures. It was really pretty. The rest of the drive was ok and there wasnt any argueing...

When we got to the house the ass started showing himself. He thinks he has to act stupid so everyone will like him. Really immature and has to *try* to be funny because he knows they wont like him if he shows the real him.

Well, today had to be the worst. He left with the kids to see what itme some movies started. Well, being the nosey and un-trusting (if that isnt a real word... it is now) wife I am I looked at his cell phone. I checked all the contacts and the calls made and recieved. Well, when he came home I asked who Sarah was, since he called her right before he was to leave and had her on speed dial. He said a friend of a friend. I know who Sarah is. She some girl he used to fuck, before we got married. Well, now my question is... did he call her after I left for *whatever* reason or had he been talking to her the whole time we were married? Well, he FREAKED out and said I was stupid and that I should just shut the fuck up and was really mean. I said why are you mad? Because I caught you? He then said I had no right to be looking in his phone and its none of my business what he does. Well, to me it is my business and I do have every right. We are STILL married. He doesnt wear a wedding ring so no one knows this really... He never has worn one. So um yes I do have that right. So he was pissed ALL day because I looked in his phone.

Big baby... Thats all I can say. If I hadnt been lied to so many times and screwed over by him then maybe I would trust him and maybe I wouldnt have looked in his phone. He asked me I would get mad if he looked in my phone... I said go right on ahead I wouldnt get mad at all cause Im not hiding anything. I never have. Ive never lied to him. Not about anything serious anyway... Hahaha

Ok hes back I will continue when I can :)

sheesh I adore my kids....

I am so glad my aunt and uncle decided to get a pool. It has been in the high 90's here lately and that is WAY too hot for me! Yeasterday and today I spent a good portion of the time in the pool. And man am I sunburnt! Francesca and Marcello are doing great in there too. Marcello is stil a little hesitant but after a few minutes he loves it. As for Francesca, shes a natural born FISH. That girl is awesome. She is starting to swim all by herself. She refuses to wear any of her floaties that I bought her. You know the paranoid mom that buys the kids every floating device imaginable and then makes them wear all at the same time? Yea thats me! Well Francesca wont wear anything anymore. Thank God she can reach the bottom!

Everything else is ok too... I guess. I applied for a "nanny" position at a place here that does all the screening and stuff. The money isnt bad either. I just think it sucks that I would have to leave my kids with a stranger so I can watch someone elses kids. Granted Francesca will be in Kindergarden starting September but its only half days. I really feel uncomfortable leaving my children with other people. Some one said so you want people to trust you to watch their children but you dont trust others? Damn straight. I trust myself. I know that I would NEVER harm a child in any way, shape or form. I dont know that about ANYONE else. I would totally understand if someone said that they wouldnt trust me with their children. I dont trust people. Have you watched the news lately? HEL-fucking-O! So yea thats exactly what Im saying... I dont trust anyone with my kids except my family... my CLOSE family. Period.

Today I spent most of the day with my cousins. Something I hadnt really done since I got here. They are so funny and make me laugh so much. My kids love being around my cousins so much. Before I moved here I was worried about how my 17, 15, 12 and 11 year old cousins would feel about having two little ones in the house. BUt they are so good with them! My cousin Jennifer takes Marcello swimming all the time. Kevin will help me tuck Francesca in bed sometimes. It is so neat to see them be so great with the kids. I can not tell how thankful I am to have such a wonderful and uncle that would allow me and my children to stay in their home. Especially just out of the blue!

Today Francesca told me something that almost made me cry. She always asks all silly if she can have "mommie hugs". That means just me and her hugging without interuptions (aka - Marcello) LOL She was on my lap and we were arguing over who loves who more... I told her I love more than she can ever imagine... She was quiet for a while and said "Mommie, I love you and I am so happy you gave me this life" I am not sure she knew what she was really saying but I just squeezed her sooo tight. To hear my 5 year old daughter tell me that after I have moved her around from home to home and took her away from her dad and all that, it means sooo much to know she is still happy. Sheesh that makes me so happy inside... My baby girl is growing up WAY too fast... I just realized she starts Kindergarden in just a month and a half!! Aww man.. shes growing up!!! :(

And Marcello sheesh... today I realized he understands EVERYTHING I saw. I mean EVERYTHING. Hes just so funny. After getting out of the pool I told him lets go take a warm bath. Then I stopped in the kitchen to get a drink and throw some stuff away. I was there for at least 5 minutes. Well, I was looking around for him and didnt see him. So I went upstairs to my room to get him and he wasnt there... I hear the water on in the bathroom. I go in and he is naked in the bath tub with the plug in and the water on. Hello Mr. Marcello. You are 2 not 10. Francesca still wont get herself in the bathtub! His vocabulary has grown sooo much in the past two months that we have been here. He says so much now. He says everyones name... Aunt Margie is Ma and Uncle Larry is rarry LMAO He says basketball, ice, pizza, hot dog, kitty, Eyeore (my cousins rabbit), nose, eye, ear, baby, cup, more, please, jay jay (my cousin Jennifer), Eh-Me (Jeremy, my other cousin), byebye, spongebob, care bears, elmo, blue, cheese... the list goes on forever. Of course he doesnt say very many of them perfect but I am so happy he can say them to where I can understand them! LOL I finally bought him a little potty too. He has been taking his diaper off ALL the time so I thought of getting him a potty. I never thought he would actually use it! Well like 10 minutes after I opened it he straddled it and peed... in the little cup thing... I was in shock! I just got it out so he could get familiar with it and he actually peed in it!! Today he was naked after the bath and he ran to it, farted and then started to poop. He wouldnt sit on the toilet to poop so I had to get a diaper on REAL quick. But I figure at least he knows what its for!! Woo hoo!! Maybe he will be potty trained before Francesca was! She was 3!!! LOL

I have to say I have two of the most beautiful kids! LOL I LOVE them more than I ever thought I could love anything... Its weird. I just want to gobble them up and keep them with me forever...

Other than all that there is no news LOL I am in a whatever mood... looking for work... which I hate. I did win 10 bucks on a scrath off lottery ticket though!! LOL I think I will buy MYSELF something with it! LMAO And wow... Ray comes in less than 2 days... Eekk.

One last thing... Mom, I know you read this every day or at least try to... I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart... and miss you sooo much! XOXOXOXO love, your baby girl

stupid girl....

As the day draw nearer I am regreting it more and more. Ray is to arrive in Portland on Thursday evening. I am tempted to leave him there. Portland is at least 2 hours away from here. With him never coming here there is no way he will find me.

I have no idea why I allow sucha monster to stay in my life. He has hurt me more than anyone I have ever known and I still allow him in my life. Just so he can rip out my heart, stomp on it and then spit on it all while laughing... or so it seems. There are days when he says hes sorry and that he needs me but there are still days that he is so mean to me I hate that I even know him.

He told me that yea hes one to two AA meetings but hes still drinking as much as he did before. I dont want this creature in my life. Why do I do this to myself?? I get so angry at him but in reality I should only get mad at myself for allowing it.

I know this is supposed to be a long "journey" of tourterous hell but come one now... I dont htink I need to stay here. I dont want this life for my children and I. I have no place to call home. I have no real job to provide for my half of this family. I have no education outside of high school and the fucked up school of life. Where am I gonna go that will make enough money to support us?

So many people say "money isnt everything" or "money cant buy you happiness"... Hello? You better bet your life it is and it does! I am not saying my life would be 100% better if I had all the money in the world but damn it sure as hell would be nice! I coudl buy a home, a divorce, a new car, a divorce, toys for the kids, a divorce... toys for me (a divorce) oh and did I mention I could pay for my divorce? Hahahaha...

Damn I am so not in the mood to write all this crap... I feel like I am always repeating myself so fuck it... You get the point... stupid girl puts up with and just complains about asshole husband but doesnt leave...

A Step Forward...

Ok well I have to say that the days following Sunday have been much better than Sunday itself! Nothing major has happened but tonight Ray went to an AA meeting. The first onehe has gone to, ever.

Ray has an airline ticket to come up here a week from tomorrow, the 21st. He is flying into the Portland ariport, which is about 3 hours from here. I told him that if he didnt do something for his "problem" byt the time he comes up here then he will find his ass in Portland for 5 days cause I will NOT bring him back here with me. ANd you had better bet your life I mean it. Well Monday was his last day off (other than this coming Sunday) that he has off of work. So he took monday and called places to see what he could do. Talk about waiting till the last minute. He said there are a lot of rehabs but he would have to stay there for 28+ days and he cant do that because of work. And the others were thousands of dollars. So I told him to call AA and see wat they can help him with.

Well, he went. He called me after and sounded so good. He says hes really glad he finally took that first step. They gave him all kinds of resources and the best part - its FREE!! He can go every night if he wants. They also gave him resources to other stuff that will help him out.

I can only pray that he follows through with this. It is crazy how nice hes been (other than Sunday). I am sooo happy that he made that first step. I know it is going to be a LONG road but I am silling to help him through it if he is willing to help himself... So, please keep us in your prayers that we can work through all these problems... I really hope we can...

what a day...

July 10... Our anniversary...how pathetic that we couldnt even make it to 3 years. I talked to Ray today and he didnt mention it at all. I finally said "You know today is our anniversary right?" He said "Yea" and that was it. I was like wow... ok.

My aunt, 4 of my cousins, my kids and I all went to this place that had bowling, go karts, golf, games and all that stuff today. Francesca got 800+ tickets so she got a purple carebear... The one I wont spend 10 dollars on cause it costs too much, but also the same one I spent 32 bucks on to get tickets to get the darn thing... What the heck is wrong with me? LOL At least she had fun. She rose the go karts with my aunt and had a blast! Shes sooo like me! The faster the better! Shes totally my girl. Marcello wasnt too happy that he couldnt go though. He loves stuff like that too. I cant wait till they are older and appreciate this kinda stuff...

On that note I am so sick of beingnice. Why is it that I try to be the best and nicest person I can and still get slapped in the face. I did everything I could to keep my husband happy. I cleaned, cooked, took care of the kids, let him spend hundreds on fantasy sports, let him watch what he wanted on TV, if he said to do it I usually did. I wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to have a happy family. I NEVER asked much from Ray. NEVER. I was so unselfish its pathetic. I sat there for months while he was gone to military school... fucking around with God knows who... while he lost two wedding rings. I sat there again for months, pregnant this time, for 6 months while he was in Iraq... I sat there while he looked me straight in the face and lied to me. I sat there when he told me that his family comes first. I sat there when he told me that the car was his and the money was his cause he was the only one working. I sat there as he told me I had to clean up after his family because we were living in his parents house. I sat through so much shit its discusting.

Ray has no idea how much he has hurt me. The right hooks hes thrown are nothing compared to the emotional pain he has caused. When I think about what I have done for him and how he has treated me in return it physically makes my heart hurt and makes my stomach get all knotted up. My mom has always told me to never judge until youve heard both sides of the story... I know my side. So I asked him what I have ever done to deserve any of this. He said nothing. So basically I get all of this for loving him and trying to be the best wife I could be.

I dont think Ray has ever really loved anyone. I dont think he has ever loved someone enough to be hurt by them. I know that I have been hurt by more people than I can count. And why? For being nice? For caring about them? Apparently so.

I am sooo not the type to say "poor me" but for God's sake... maybe I should start being a total bitch, then maybe people wont slap me in the face. I dont knwo what to do anymore. I dont want to be a bitch cause really thats not who I am. But I am so sick of being nice and being screwed over...

I must say I do live with this wall around my heart. Its not an easy wall to break through either. Somehow, and as God as my witness I have no idea how, Ray got through that wall. Now I wish he would find his way out of it... I said so many times I dont love him anymore. Im not sure if thats true. Or maybe its that I want him to love me. Because I know he doesnt, I say I dont love him. I have no idea. I just wanna give up on the whole thing.

I never admit it but Im so incredibly scared. Of everything. Im afraid of not waking up in the morning, of losing my children to the heaven above, of living my life alone. Im afraid my parents wont know how much I truely love and adore them. Im afraid of forgetting what it feels like to fall in love. Im afraid to see my children get hurt. Im afraid my children will hurt others. Im afraid of my children getting sick, really sick. Im afraid of not having any more children. Im afraid my marriage wont work, and Im afraid that it will.

I just want everything to stop. Right now. I want to start over. I dont want to know what it feels like to be loved or to love. I dont want to understand what they mean when they say your life changes after kids. I dont want an anniversary. I dont want a birthday. I dont want to live here or anywhere for that matter. I dont want the car I drive, I dont want the life I live. I dont want to be alone. I dont want the heart full of pain. I dont want the mind thats full of hatred.

OK well I am hoping this is just a July 10th thing. I would hate to feel like this every day... I must stop as I am starting to feel a little psycho... As full as I am of disgust and hatred I wish this feeling on no living creature... Its torture to your heart...